The Tale of Death Note
by OkamiKawaii
Summary: OOCness. Crackfic. Shounen-ai. LightxL pairing. Rated M for yeah... Some character spoilers. Hope you enjoy!
1. Chapter 1

Spoilers: Character spoilers (Mello)

Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note

**The Tale of Death Note**

Once upon a time in a faraway kingdom there was a fair prince named Light Yagami. Woman and men adored him. (Especially his hair, which he spent hours on every morning) He had a faithful servant, her name was Takada. Takada loved Light very much. However, she had competition with Misa-Misa, the princess of a near by kingdom. Everyday she would wake to the screeches of Misa the bitch-slut from the dark corners of hell. Often they would get into arguments that ended with slap fights and high heel showdowns. (Mr.Yagami was secretly a perverted asswipe so he had all the maids in his kingdom wear arousing clothes)

Little did they know, Light hated them with the equivalence of Mello on a vegetable diet. He thought Misa was a retarded snail brain that had the voice of a thousand soprano howler monkeys. Takada was just a bitch. However, to please his father, he pretended to like them both, and miraculously keep his sanity all at the same time.

Since Light's father was always looking for some hot maid, there was always an opening. (More like a American Idol audition) But anyway, people all over the kingdom auditioned for a chance to be a maid. Only a few (the smexiest) were chosen. The judges were extremely strict and extremely perverted. So far no one could snap their fingers and cause them to nosebleed.

Out of whim (and cake) a commoner named L signed up for a maid audition. Not because Mello said he'd make a beautiful maid, but because he wearily promised cake. Thus, L was lead into the audition room.

"Holy shit!" Was all the make-up artist could say. He stared at L and sighed. "You're a mess. However, I'm feeling generous so let's see what I can do for you." L simply nodded and crouched on the chair. First he was forced to take a skin moisturizing strawberry bath. They gave him the softest shampoo they could find (that was the most powerful dandruff destroyer in the kingdom. This slightly insulted L, who knew he didn't have any goddamed dandruff) and the toughest conditioner they could find. They also gave him a shaver but L didn't have and body hair to shave besides the hair a on his head. After, they fitted him in the slimest black maids dress that was available. (Luckily it fit perfectly) Then they fitted him in extremely sexy high heels (that he hated with a passion equilvalent to Mello's wrath) and brushed his hair. (Which reverted to its regular style only untangled)

But the moment they took the make-up out was the moment L was screaming, "THE POWER OF CHRIST COMPELS YOU!" While forming a cross with his fingers. So they decided to just let him brush his teeth (which are a beautiful shade of white mind you) and put on that thing that maids wear on their heads.

L sighed as he walked out onto the audition floor. Blood was gushing out of their nose. It was so bad that they had to call the kingdom doctor, who said it was too late for them. L sat down in fetal position and looked as if he was about to cry. Light, who had gone to see if some slut had tried to bite off one of the judges ears again (he swore it was so friggin' amusing) saw L and nearly had a heart attack, he was drop-dead gorgeous! (seriously) Curiously, he looked around and found that all the judges were dead from nosebleeds.

"Not only was it the nosebleed that killed them, but their penis..." and that was when he stopped listening. He walked over to L and put a hand on his shoulder.

"It's okay, you didn't mean for them to die. I guess they couldn't handle you." L frowned.

"What do you mean!? I wouldn't care if someone cut tiny holes around their body, poured salt on them, burned their hands off and gave them frostbite before killing them by slowly eating them alive, I just want my fucking cake!"

Light took a small step away from L and said, "Oh...We'll there's cake at my place you know."

L got up quickly and smiled, "Then let's go there!"

Light smirked, "First you have to give me a kiss." L looked at him and brought his thumb to his mouth. Light closed his eyes and leaned forward. He received a ball of spit in his face and a "go to hell you fucktard!" He groaned and wiped the sugary slobber off his face just in time to see L fuming out the door with a middle-finger high in the air.

"Guards!" Light yelled, "Cease him! And bring him to my room!" Obediently, the guards ran off and captured poor L. (After receiving a "I swear if you touch me I'll send this high heel up your crotch so high that'll prevent you from having kids even after reincarnation!!)

So L was thrown into Light's room and left there. Moments later Light came in with strawberry cake. He had a cocky smile on his face.

"Did you really think you'd get away that easily?" Light asked, triumph on his face. L shrugged and glared.

"No. because there was a 100 chance that Light-kun is a dickface and would call the goddamned guards on me for rejecting him." Light hissed.

"Oh yeah!? Well there's a goddamned good chance I'll rape you right now!" L stuck his tongue out and rasberried Light.

"You don't deserve to touch me." Light felt a vein pop somewhere but decided to disregard it. He slammed the cake down and stared at L, who was chuckling.

"What?" Light asked grumbling. L pointed at his right eye.

"A vein popped." Light banged his head on the table as L stuffed cake into his mouth.

"Why must you be so persistently annoying you insomniac bitch?" At that moment Light found a glop of cake in his perfectly combed hair. His face was so shocked that even L regretted what he did for a moment.

"You!...No, no. It's fine, I-I'll just wash it off." Light smiled, eye twitching. Slowly, he walked to the bathroom, obviously upset.

Five hours later Light walked out of the bathroom with an insanely evil look on his face. "Your name?" L hesitated.

"L." Light rolled his eyes. Weird name for a weird person.

"Well L, my toilet appears to be plugged. You better go do whatever you maids do and fix it. And you can call be Light-sama."

"I wouldn't clean Light-kun's toilet if he gave fifty thousand different varieties of cake. One because that's nasty. Two because I'm not your bitch. (cough)AndNeverWillBe(cough) Oh, and you can dream of the day I call you 'Light-sama'. But that's just because your a dickface."

Light glared at him with the hatred of a million Mellos without chocolate. Without a second thought, he slammed his fist into L's face, only to receive an extremely sexy high heel up his stomach.

"I think you poked a hole through my tummy!" Light gasped. L shrugged.

"Sorry Light-kun, I missed you crotch."

"You know, I could send you to the dungeon any time I want."

"That wouldn't be the smartest idea." Light scoffed, was L saying he wasn't smart? He angrily stomped out of his room, only to run into a small girl with brown hair and cat ears.

"I knew I shouldn't have smoked that crack before I got out!" Light sighed. The girl frowned.

"Light Yagami, I am not a figment of your insanely perverted imagination. Notice I'm not wearing a bikini with a bottle of vodka in my hands." Light looked at the girl. She was wearing a long white robe.

"This is true."

"Yes, now Mr.Im'a'gay-"

"Did you just call me Im'a'gay?" Light growled, no one made fun of his last name! "Do you know who I am!?"

"Unfortunately, anyways, I'm here to help you." Light crossed his arms.

"Why would I need help from you? Who are you anyway?"

"I'm your guardian bastard, Nekoi. And unless you want to be rejected by L-kun for the rest of your useless and unimportant life, I suggest you consider my advice."

"How do you know L?" Nekoi rolled her eyes.

"Because I'm awesome like that."

"That's not an answer."

"Do you want be to shove this wand up your ass?" Light shook his head.

"I can throw you in the dungeon any time I want to you know."

"That wouldn't be the smartest idea."

"That's what L said when I told him that!"

"If you throw L in the dungeon I'll kick your ass into January 20, 2001." Light gulped. "Now as I was saying, have you considered not being a dickface?"

"I am not a dickface." Nekoi rolled her eyes again.

"Whatever you say, dickface."

"Are you here to help me or insult me!?"

"I'm here to do both dickface."

"Well can you start helping me?"

"Okay,okay. Hmmm...L hates socks, shoes, toe rings, tattoos, beer, wine, crack, dickfaces, dogs, strawberry jam, jam, drugs, medicine, doctors, therapist, crap, the color red, idiots, loud people, dickfaces...Oh! But he likes cake."

"Oh, well that really helps!" Light said sarcastically. Nekoi sighed.

"Just be patient you impatient dickface. I'm sure that over time he'll except your unwanted and unneeded existents and put up with."

"Oh and how long do you think that will take?" Nekoi put her finger on her lip.

"Umm...a couple lifetimes." Light grunted.

"I'd like to be alive by the time he accepts me, and what about love?"

"Sorry I'm your guardian bastard, I can't help you with anything that will make your life convient and more enjoyable." Light let out a loud sigh.

"Is there anyone who CAN?" Nekoi nodded.

"Your guardian angel, Carrie." Light smiled.

"Well where is she?"

"I'm sorry, your guardian angel doesn't appreciate yaoi or shounen-ai. Besides, she's probably locked away somewhere wasting eternity by reading."

"You suggested her WHY?" Nekoi smiled brightly.

"Because it's one of my departments. Embarrassment, regret, unhappiness, hate, lost hope, sadness, and suicide. But only of annoyance, which is another thing I can help you with!"

"Can you just ask Carrie to see me? Maybe we can work something out." Nekoi shook her head.

"There would be a good chance that she would help you. That would mean I helped your insignificant life somehow become slightly better."

"Does L know her?"

"...Damn."

"Ha! See you bitch!" Nekoi looked at him shocked. Only one word went through her mind. Revenge.

Light walked happily into his room. He saw L perched on his royal king-sized bed eating a basket of cherries. He decided to take a positive approach.

"L! Can I ask you something?"

"I'm not wearing mascara."

"...Uh, I wanted to ask you if you knew someone named Carrie." L looked at him.

"Yes I do." Light looked at L curiously. Not to long ago was a bitchy, sexy, moody bastard. Now he was as passive as a paper. (But still insanely sexy)

"Can I have you get her?"

"No."

"I demand you get her!"

"I'm afraid Light-kun's royal authority does not intimidate me." Light sighed.

"If I can make you smile will you get her?" L looked at Light. A challenge?

"Very well." Light bent down to pick a strawberry out of L's basket, (He planned to do a magic trick with it) but the stress of leaning down caused his butt to bup, a very loud long burp. L sat there grinning.

"Ha! I made you smile!" Instantly L's grin became an emotionless frown.

"Light-kun I was grinning. A form of smiling, but not smiling."

"What the hell!?"

"You see, smiling is a normal response to happiness. However, grinning is a more powerful form of happiness and is often seen as joy instead of happy." Light walked out of the room grumbling.

"I have to figure out to get L to smile..." Light seethed, L was impossible. Like a calico.

"Meow."

Light stared at the white fluff with shinning blue eyes.

"WTF is your ugly ass during here!?" The kitten began to cry. Like really cry. Like high-pitched that tears your ear drums slowly cry. All of sudden a scrawny vicious bag of bones ran up to Light and hissed. Her left ear was torn and she was crossed eyed.

"Now this is my kind of cat!" Light picked her up, ignoring the kitten. _Wait, if I give this cat to L he might smile!_ He looked at the stinking death trap and smiled. _She's perfect! _He began walking away (ignoring the kitten who clumsily followed it's mom and the weird dickface) holding the cat like an irreplaceable heirloom. He knocked on his bedroom door and noticed cuts and teeth marks on his hands. _Must be the door, I knew polished wood was no good!_

"OPEN YOUR DOOR YOU LAZY ASSFAT!" Light grumbled and walked into his bedroom.

"Sorry for being polite."

"Sorry doesn't- " L smiled. His eyes lit up. "LIGHT-KUN GOT ME A KITTEN!" L shoved past Light and picked the neglected kitten up. "Hellooooo kitty-witty!" Light frowned.

"Noooo, I got you something better." Light held the "cat" up and smiled.

"OMG! YOU SICK BASTARD! YOU GOT ME A MUMMIFIED CAT!"

"What...no!"

"YOU DICKFACE!"

"L I can- DID YOU JUST THROW A PICKLE AT ME!?"

...

Light sat on the balcony alone. He sighed.

"Why does the universe hate me so?"

"Because your a dickface." Light twirled and stared at the "cat".

"Excuse me?"

"Y-O-U A-R-E A D-I-C-K-F-A-C-E."

"WHAT THE HELL!? I LOVED YOU!"

"Sorry I plan to stay a virgin so that when Alucard bites me I'll become a vampire."

"...WTF..??"

"See..." The cat jumped off the table and black haze surrounded it. A black-haired lolita appeared before him, smiling that 'I-hate-you-with-the-passion-of-a-million-desert-suns smile.'

"LIGHT! WHY IS THERE A STRIPPER ON YOUR BALCONY!?" Light hesitated.

"Why does your kitten have a kink in its tail?"

"WHY DO YOU THINK MY KITTY IS KINKY!?"

"I AM _NOT_ A STRIPPER!" Both L and Light paused .

L looked at the lolita, he smiled.

"I know that smart-ass voice anywhere, how's it been Carrie?"

Carrie scoffed. "You're calling me a stripper?" Carrie studied L's clothing. He was in a skimpy maid's dress with shiny black high heels. L frowned.

"It's a long story." Carrie nodded and turned to Light.

"So what I hear from Nekoi is that you're trying to get L to like you." Light slapped his head. L laughed.

"Why did you say that out loud?" Carrie smiled.

"Because I hate you." Light growled.

"DOES EVERYONE HATE ME!?"

"Yes." Light looked over at L.

"Oh! What dignity you have in those clothes." L held his head up.

"At least I'm not an animal groper."

"...Whatever."

"Light-kun admits his defeat and his raging hormones."

"Excuse me! I'm still HERE!" Both turned their heads.

"No one cares..." Carrie hissed.

"Is that so?"

"Uh, YEAH! You're like the most useless guardian angel that ever existed."

Carrie smiled sickly. She walked over to Light and did the most reasonable thing anyone would do. She grabbed his arm and threw him off the balcony. The 5 story balcony. With rose bushes at the bottom. L and Carrie both paused and looked at each other.

"Do you think he's alive?" Carrie looked over the balcony side.

"I hope not." L looked over the side.

"Isn't this murder?"

"Of course not. I'm pretty much a deity, so if I kill him that means I was passing righteous judgement on him." L sighed and looked over the balcony again.

"I guess we should...um...assist him?" Carrie shook her head.

"Not now, I hungry." L nodded in agreement.


	2. Chapter 2

Note: Name(s) have been changed to protect personnel privacy.

_Disclaimer: I do not own Death Note_

**The Tale of Death Note**

L and Carrie sat quietly at the kitchen table. L fussing over his sugar with tea and Carrie fussing over her ramen. Both looked silently out the window.

"So..." Carrie looked at L suspiciously. "Hmmm...How much does Carrie-san bet that Light-kun is dead?"

"Betting already L?"

"Couldn't resist." Carrie smirked.

"I bet 60 strawberry cakes that he crossed the rainbow." L smiled and took a sip of his sugar.

"Fine, but since he's obviously alive you might as well give me the cakes now." Carrie scoffed.

"Monkey butts! He's totally dead! What makes you think he could survive a fall like that!?"

"His extremely hard head." L replied, setting his sugar down. "There's a 95 chance he survived that fall, mostly because he landed on his head."

"L that's elephant gas, there's no way in hell he's alive!

"Light-kun_ is _alive. I'm sure of it." Carrie grumbled.

"Well why don't you go check?" L looked away.

"Why don't you?"

"Why are you avoiding my question?"

"Why are _you_ avoiding _my_ question?"

"I asked first!" Carrie hissed, glaring at L.

"So?"

"So, answer my goddamned question before I hang you with a ramen noodle!"

"Carrie-san-"

"WTF!?" Carrie and L turned to Light. He was standing in the doorway. Blood covered his arms and legs. (Strangely enough, his head was unharmed)

"Ha! He's alive! I get 60 strawberry cakes!"

"I can't believe it!" Light stared dumbly at the two.

"Are you telling me that while I was bleeding to death on the ground you two were betting on whether or not I was alive!?" L looked at his toes. He did _not_ want to deal with a bitchy Light.

"I betted Light-kun was alive..."

"Oh, well thanks a lot!" Light growled, stumbling into the bathroom before pathetically slamming the door.

Both of them turned away from each other and stared at opposite walls. Carrie glanced at L._ Is he upset because Light is mad at him? _Guilt shredded her. She didn't know what to do. Deafening silence seemed to separate the two. She looked down at the floor, worried that L was feeling horrible about what just happened. She turned to him and was greeted with depthless black eyes. They seemed to hold remorse in their shine. That is until L smiled and asked, "So when do I get my cake?"


	3. Chapter 3

Hai long time no see? Yeah…Don't hurt me . I'll try to actually up date once a day since I have that kind of time. (Obviously I do) *Says Hi to OkamiKawaii * She's my speller corrector… XD

Carrie sighed. What in the hell was L doing now? She looked at him completely dumbfounded.

"What?" L asked looking emotionlessly at her.

"…..Nothing, nothing." She sighed. At least she knew he didn't feel bad about Light anymore. Speaking of the dickface-

"Okay we need ground rules and- L OH MY ME WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING!?"

"Nothing." L muttered yawning. Both Carrie and Light stared for a moment before coughing and turning away.

"You were saying dickface?" Carrie smiled innocently.

"Okaay….Rule ONE, I'm not a dickface!"

"That's not a rule dickface." L grumbled before stuffing a slice of cake in his mouth.

"…Re-vise then….Rule UNO, DO NOT call me a dickface." Light seethed angrily.

"Isn't it stupid to ask people not to call you by your name?" Carrie remarked a bit confused.

"…My name is NOT dickface…." Light hissed before flopping on his red velvet couch.

"Any more rules?" L inquired tiredly.

"…..No that is all."

"Nothing else bugs you?" Carrie said shocked. "I just threw you off a balcony!"

"I know you did. I still feel the painful rose thorns up my ass. However, I figure you'll just do it anyway…."

L rolled is eyes, "We're still calling you dickface, dickface."

Light stared wearily at them both. "What's the point in living?"

"I have no smart ass remark for that question, sorry." L apologized looking sympathetically at him.

"Do you have a _serious_ remark?" Light asked eyes filled with hope.

L smirked. "If I did, then I wouldn't be L now would I?"

Light scoffed. "Your entity would be much more pleasant if you-

"THINK FAST!"

_CRACK!_

"HOLY SHIZ MUFFINS!"

Carrie out of no where, threw a mini donut at Light. Only it wasn't just and any mini donut. It was small and hard. Oh yeah, it was an iron nut. You know those things you put in machines that are round and taste funny?

"WHAT THE HELL?" Was all Light could say. Or rather scream. "YOU JUST THREW A NUT AT MY EYE!!"

The quite and composed L quickly fell apart as soon as Light said that. Carrie and Light stared silently at him as he fell off his platform and laughed his ass off, tears falling from his eyes.

"I'm bleeding from my eye and you're laughing?" Light asked a little freaked out. Carrie shrugged.

"Does anyone love me?" Light sniffed as he ran into the bathroom crying.

"Meow?"

He looked down and found a little pair of blue shiny eyes.

"Oh it's you…" Light mumbled staring at the little fluff ball. He picked the kitten up and hugged it. "I feel so alone!!!" Light sobbed as he grabbed the kitten and hugged it tight. Apparently he wasn't holding it in a very decent matter because…

"Light I think I should apologize for Carrie's crude behavior." L mumbled as he opened the door. Somewhere in the distance they both heard, "APOLIGIZE FOR YOUR OWN BEHAVIOUR DIPSHIT!"

Silence engulfed them both. Not because L was using Carrie as a cover up to apologize, but because….

"LIGHT IS GROPING MY KITTY!" L screamed in terror. Imitating that one of a disfigured human screaming we all know but never really understood.

"NO! I'M JUST HUGGING IT!" Light freaked dropping the kitten and knocking it unconscious.

"LIGHT IS DOING WHAT TO YOUR KITTEN!!!???" Carrie hollered, her over-protective animal senses kicking in. "I'M GONNA RIP YOUR THROAT OFF WITH A PAPER CLIP AND A STRING BEAN!!!"

At the moment Light did the one thing any sane person would do if they were confronted with life or death. He jumped out the 5 story window.

……

"Did he just jump out the window?" Both L and Carrie stared silently before walking away.

…..(What was L doing? I dunno ask him yourself)

Me: Hey L you ass what were you doing?

L: I was doing what I was doing…

Me: Oh yeah well there you go


End file.
